icantsleepanditskillingme

when the midnight sun climbs in the east

and the slinking wolves start whistling

it’s the demons that first reconnect with me

when the summer lights begin to die

and the wrist-nooses are then untied

it’s the demons that will claw inside my mind

when the broken glass scrapes underfoot

and the mirror frame is dark with soot

it’s the demons that would kill me if i could

 

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it’s all i ever wanted

all i ever wished to be

that angelic-you meets brokenheart-me

and then we’d start our legacy

but it still hasn’t happened

and i have still to see

if in the wide old canvas sea

there’s one soul that’s kindred to me

drink up, love

you told me

“words don’t matter

books are crafted out of trees

their souls are simply sliced away

and their spirits left to flee”

 

you laughed

“the world is broken

and men are all the same

they’ll tie you to a pretty post

and bend your neck with shame”

 

you whisper

“love was golden

in the days it used to be

when girls put flowers in their hair

to meet lovers home from sea”

 

you shouted

“life is empty

and death is just a game

they’ll break your bones and spirit

and tell you to be tame”

 

you giggled

“this is glorious

when you only call for me

i push and pull and borrow

but you’ll never, ever leave”

crush

it was a one-man kind of love

based off a three-hour week

given away by subtle glances

all your friends, they make you speak

 

you think i’m worthy of a look

given my laughs and jokes

my hands seem ready for your hold

all our songs start with the same notes

 

i just don’t think you’ve realized

there’s really not much there

you’ve only been clinging to visions

ran your fingers through my hair

 

it’s sad to say these things to you

when i know you’ve been so kind

but my hair’s been falling out lately

ever since i lost my mind

 

can’t imagine you’d want to read them

all the chapters i’ve burned away

nighttimes speak loudly of just how lonesome

reference to the price i pay

infinite atm/square inch

ten years a dreamer

always a believer

 

hope came only for a few

yet we never wondered why

 

the only ones who knew

simply smiled as they passed me by.

 

head in the clouds

we’ve gone past the atmosphere now

 

hands brush the moon

reaching faster than even sound

 

but somehow i’d forgotten

in all this wondrous stumbling

 

even stars fall too

summertime

summer is the sound

of screaming in the halls

when i ache desperately to breathe

but my lungs don’t move at all

 

it’s sitting in my closet

or lying on the floor

it’s shaking in the shower

and praying there is more

 

summer is the color

of anger on the walls

when i listen to them cry

but can’t speak love at all

 

it’s seeing siblings weep

or watching Mama shake

it’s holding tight to headphones

and praying i won’t break

 

summer is the taste

of bittersweet parents’ pride

when i’m lifted to new heights

at the price of siblings’ sighs

 

it’s hearing ultimatums

or “be some more like her”

it’s cursing my own lies

and praying memories blur

 

summer is the sting

of watching my youth fade

when i look at all the things

i’d do if i were brave

 

it’s singing in the car

or coffee with a friend

it’s pouring out my soul

and praying it’s the end

 

summer is the kiss

of those i’ll never meet

when they have hearts of stone

locked by icy keys

 

it’s smiling to their faces

or crying at their doors

it’s hoping for somebody

and praying to be adored

whatever helps me sleep at night

is it natural to feel like this?

i tell myself it’s just the caffeine again

too tired

too weak

drank a cup and a half

i tell myself it’s the never-ending search

where to go

what to do

saw a hundred places, none of them home

i tell myself it’s just the exams

which words go where

how to say i’m dying in another language

felt my heart about to beat out of my chest

i tell myself it’s only another day until tomorrow

a million breaths more

a hundred moments more

held onto a cloud but prayed it’d give way

i tell myself tomorrow might be the best day of my life

i said that last night

i said that last year

disappointed myself again then tried to remember the good times

i tell myself i’ll say it every night

every single lonely night

that one day will be better

it will be the very best

i tell myself i’ll say this every night

until one morning

rainy skies shrouded in clouds

when i wake up floating

winded

lands, darling

look how the winds have changed

the wolf once clawing at your door

the one we tried to scorn

he lies at your feet, your hand on his head

 

for better or worse, the north wind blows at my face

the warmth of the southern breeze fades

as i flee everything i’ve ever known

places you are do not open doors to me anymore

i don’t belong here now

 

acceptance

silly little girl

no one sees you cry

you’re wasting all your tears

on hope for lullabies

 

stupid budding dreams

you’ll never get that far

you’re dreaming away years

on hope for shooting stars

 

stagnant little mind

there’s nothing you can do

you’re making all your plans

on hope for something true

 

don’t waste your little sighs

on all that’s never yours

you’re never getting there

accept there’s nothing more